A Connecticut Couple Arrested For Not Sheltering In Place

Written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 24 March 2020

image for A Connecticut Couple Arrested For Not Sheltering In Place
Tobias and Mildred Skippity in front of the infamous Naugatuck Duck Pond.

NAUGATUCK, Connecticut – An elderly couple, who are both in their late 80s, have been taken into custody by Naugatuck police officers.

Officer Flint Summersun informed the media that had assembled at a local duck pond, that the two octogenarians, identified as Tobias and Mildred Skippity, were told earlier in the day that they had to remain in their senior citizens home.

The two had reportedly sneaked out through an open kitchen window and walked to a local park to feed the ducks.

While feeding the ducks, 87-year-old Mildred accidentally slipped into the pond, and began screaming that the ducks were going to eat her.

Her husband, who is 89, took off his shirt, his pants, his underwear, his socks, his shoes, and his Timex wristwatch, and, seven minutes later, jumped in to save his wife of 68 years, who was sitting in two feet of water with a duck nesting on her head.

Officer Summersun said that his first instinct was to shoot the duck, but he felt that, since it was a little foggy, he might miss, and accidentally hit Mrs. Skippity.

After taking Mildred out of the water, he asked her why she wasn’t wearing any underwear. Mildred looked down at her pubic region and yelled out, “Darnit, da effen duck ate me bloomin’ bloomers he did.”

The elderly couple were arrested and taken down to headquarters, but were released after Mildred started hollering that the police chief had tried to caress her breasts, which the desk sergeant said looked like two 12-inch loaves of French bread.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more