Veterinarian Becomes First to Offer Plastic Surgery for Cows, a.k.a. Moo Jobs

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Thursday, 13 February 2020

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While cosmetic, moo jobs may help alleviate mastitis, decreasing levels of pus in cow's milk - a win-win for consumers.

Tapping into what she predicts will be a growing market for animal plastic surgery, veterinarian Dr. Myra Goodrich is now offering cosmetic surgery on cows' udders, a.k.a "moo jobs".

"Just like women who aren't pleased with the appearance of their breasts after years of breast feeding, dairy cows' udders become greatly distended as a result of years of constantly having their milk pumped out of them, albeit by machines, not by their babies," Dr. Goodrich explained. "It's very unsightly, and may even affect their self-esteem."

Dr. Goodrich noted that, while cosmetic in nature, moo jobs may also help alleviate medical conditions like mastitis and other udder infections, thereby decreasing the amount of pus in milk sold to consumers. "It's a win-win for dairy lovers," she said.

Of course, lacking the resources to fund moo jobs themselves, most dairy cows will be reliant on animal agribusiness owners to finance the cosmetic udder surgery - something few factory farmers are currently willing to do. But Dr. Goodrich anticipates that changing.

"We're seeing more and more elementary school trips to dairy farms, and the farmers have a business interest in keeping their cows looking presentable so that these young kids aren't horrified by what's happening to these chronically-pregnant mother cows and their babies," she said. "That's where I come in."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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