Burned-Out And Profoundly Alcoholic Technical Writer Slowly Ascending Into Heaven After Being Kicked In The Chest By A Horse During Wedding Party Brought Back Down To Earth By God-Damn EMT

Written by Wesley Janson

Sunday, 12 January 2020

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Iowa. Although he was peacefully ascending into the bright light of euphoric bliss in the uppermost stretches of the Universe, Gerald Wall, 48, was pulled back down to the cold, harsh, and unforgiving world, last Thursday, by Emergency Medical Technician, Jill Harper, 37, who continually prides herself on saving the man's life.

Despite the fact that the burned-out and jaded soul was screaming and crying at her to stop using CPR as well as other advanced medical procedures designed to keep his heart moving and his lungs working, the god-damn EMT worked as hard as she possibly could in order to achieve her professional goals.

"Hey!" and "It's nice to have you back!" were words that were not appreciated by Gerald, who had previously spent numerous hours getting really drunk in a sincere effort to tolerate the happiness of two people who had found true companionship, and who had felt the need to invite him to their pointless celebration on a horse ranch.

Unable to fathom what it actually feels like to be a single, middle-aged, unloved technical writer who has to continually engineer grammar for complicated manuals that nobody will ever read, Jill successfully brought Gerald's spirit back into his body right as he was about to be welcomed into the arms of beautiful angels preparing to open up the Gates of Heaven.

"Welcome home and stay with us, beloved one!" and "Shit, I need to get this guy back, otherwise I'll get fired" were two conflicting things that Gerald heard, as his soul was slowly elevating towards the Throne Room of Creation that resides far above the very stars themselves.

Racked with severe physical pain, bleeding profusely from the mouth, and occasionally coughing out chunks of his own internal organs, Mr. Wall thanked Jill for stopping the very essence of his being from entering the Brilliant Light of a Universal Palace filled with understanding, warmth, and unconditional acceptance.

"I'm so glad she did that. It was a pure miracle," Mr. Wall stated while drooling all over himself.

"I've been given a second chance at life, and I simply can't wait to go back to my empty apartment so that I can continue to construct well-written corporate disclaimer statements while watching love movies and crying," he added, as doctors pushed several tubes into his aching, broken, and partially-crippled body.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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