Cristle-Anne Spatoli, author of the sensational N.Y. Times best-seller: "Teach your Daughter to be a Trophy Wife, A Practical Guide for Mothers," has died at the age of 79. Not unironically, the cause of death was listed as: "constant exposure to the germs and viruses of really old immuno-suppressed men." (No doubt the husbands of the women who showed up for book signings as well as her own sons-in-law.)
The expert on grooming daughters for lucrative wifehood was also a frequent talk show guest who garnered high ratings for such segments as: Your Prey, His Money and His Mind, Seven Discreet and Clandestine Tests for Pre-Alzheimer's in Men, and, How to Ensure his Earning Potential Increases in Inverse Proportion to his Physical Health. The runaway hit, on bookshelves since well before the time of Jack Nicholson's first marriage, has become an indispensable bible to desperate mothers everywhere.
One trophy wife, Sandra Worthington, declared: "What helped me most was Chapter 4: 'Hardened, Crusted Ear Wax, Renegade Eyebrow Hairs and Dripping Noses, What to do when you're Really Grossed Out.' I learned I could wear translucent fake sunglasses with holographic head shots of Wentworth Miller reflecting back at me from the insides. I am the only one who can see him!" she explained, "so whenever I am forced to hug or receive affection from my husband in public, I almost swoon at the knees pretending it's Wentworth. I just have to be careful not to moan Wentworth's name out loud. Because that would be a little hard to explain. But it probably won't happen, because these days my husband doesn't hear very well."
"When my Amber-Marie first told me she was going to let Bobby-John McForney take her to the junior prom, I probably would have discouraged her," wrote a grieving Jackkie McForney. Her 17 year old daughter ended up marrying the 49 year-old owner of a chain of successful "Half-Smoke Huckster" vans who's territory includes all the curbs in front of all NASCAR ticket booths, "But then I reread chapter 3 of Ms. Spatoli's manual, "Don't let his Liver Spots Dissuade you from your Dreams, Just Pretend they're Little Islands on the Treasure Map of Life!" Why, after I looked up the meaning of the word "dissuade", it didn't take Amber Marie and me but 10 minutes to seize the opportunity, and we've never looked back!"
Copyright 2007, R. Mejia