Scientists Deny PETA Claim That Meat Is Evil

Written by G. Brookings

Saturday, 30 November 2019

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A team of UK scholars have fired back at PETA and vegan activists’ claims that “meat is evil.” While conceding that our diets could use less meat, they warned that meat proteins are essential for the development of the young, especially in impoverished parts of the world. With further food science advancements, the spokesman stipulated, it may be possible to transition from methane-producing animal agriculture to vegan protein sources, but certain interim measures would likely be needed to tide world population over.

One member of the science team suggested, that, having finally accomplished their mission of banning meat, members of PETA and vegan activists generally would become redundant and might therefore be usefully redeployed to protein-poor parts of the world where they could be farmed and, eventually, eaten.

It was noted as an argument in favor of this idea, that very little methane would be produced on human flesh farms. Even better, the meat would be free-range, organic, non-GMO and gluten-free. Of course, it might be necessary to disguise the fact that whole cuts of the new protein source were human flesh by innovative butchering and packaging. Ground meat would presumably encounter no resistance at all.

Asked what would happen if PETA membership were to unexpectedly drop off in the wake of this new program, the spokesman suggested that other groups deemed to have no long-term redeeming value might be needed to fill the transition-period protein gap. While there would certainly be opposition to such a proposal, he admitted, prisons would be one example of a logical place to find new protein. Criminals may be evil people, the scientist argued, but their meat would taste just fine.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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