Extremely Heavy And Obnoxious Amounts Of 'Soul-Draining' Bullshit Likely To Spread Throughout Midwest Over Next Couple Of Weeks

Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 30 November 2019

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You can sincerely beg (and pray) for it all to finally just stop...and to stop 'right now'...but it probably won't!

According to radar that doesn't work all the time as well as some reports that may or may not be completely accurate, some extremely heavy and obnoxious amounts of 'soul-draining' bullshit will be pushing through the Midwest during the first half of December.

The bullshit will begin in Northern Minnesota on Monday, December 2nd and then form a perfect semicircle that will affect several counties in Wisconsin before it finally tapers off in Elkader, Iowa around 9:30 pm on Sunday, December 15th.

Questions such as "Why haven't I self-actualized yet?"..."Why do my daily tasks leave me feeling unfilled and empty at the end of the day?"..."Why the hell do I actually live here?"...and "Why won't the middle-aged, divorced woman at the local gym with fake breasts and an extraordinary firm ass handcuff me to a bed in a cheap hotel room and then proceed to beat me senseless?" are to be anticipated as the bullshit spreads from Minnesota into numerous, unincorporated areas and small towns in Wisconsin.

Pointless, overwhelming, and frustrating amounts of crap can also be expected to induce mood swings, anxiety, depression, headaches, nightmares, cardiovascular problems, cognitive disorders, paranoia, mental illness, exhaustion, unproductive anal sex, abandonment of 'lifelong' goals, domestic abuse, profuse vomiting, and a general "Fuck This!" attitude in several southwestern portions of the state, before the bullshit makes a sweeping arc into northeastern Iowa, and causes excessive amounts of disillusionment with life in general.

Although it's possible that some shit is likely to happen in Illinois as the storm proceeds toward its ultimate destination, citizens in Allamakee county are being advised to stay indoors, consume bottles of whiskey, and experiment with meth until it's safe to be rational, use open roads, and socialize with others.

Freezing winds, rain, stress, obsessive-compulsive tendencies, alcoholism, bad decisions, anti-social behavior, financial problems, and some light snow are likely to occur in all potentially-affected areas, as some bullshit from Canada crosses over the Great Lakes and relentlessly penetrates Michigan on its way to Ohio.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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