Britain, U.S. Plan Celebration of Special Relationship Following Expected Johnson Victory

Written by G. Brookings

Friday, 29 November 2019

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Trump Promises No More Mr. Comb-over

In anticipation of Mr. Johnson’s expected landslide victory over the Corbyn-led Labour Party, plans are already underway for reestablishing closer relations between Britain and the U.S.

The early parameters of a possible post-Brexit trade deal are still being defined, but symbolic and celebratory plans are reportedly well advanced.

Details leaked by the anonymous, still unidentified CIA whistle blower, Eric Ciaramella, claim that, in honor of the special relationship, Mr. Trump has offered to forego his comb-over in favor of Mr. Johnson’s signature bedhead coiffure. Rumors are that Mr. Trump is arranging to install strawberry blonde hairplugs in his scalp and a portable wind tunnel in the West Wing of the White House. In exchange, the U.S. has offered to send Mr. Johnson and anyone identifying as a Tory, modern dental care products, including toothbrushes, dental floss, orthodontics and whiteners.

According to the unidentified whistle blower, Mr, Ciaramella, who is apparently still privy to Mr. Trump’s conversations with heads of state, Mr. Johnson has politely rejected the dental supplies, saying that true Englishmen and women prefer their teeth au naturel, and do not find the typical American mouth, with its nuclear-white, chicklet-style teeth attractive.

Although the unidentified whistleblower, Mr. Ciaramella, has been known to get an occasional fact wrong in his unauthorized disclosures, he claims that, as an alternative to dental supplies, Mr. Trump asked the Brits to consider a trade of entertainment and political personalities, with one variation including a swap of the suddenly homeless Prince Andrew for the mildly-deranged actor Robert De Niro. “Americans love a tarnished royal,” Trump reportedly told Johnson, “and De Niro would just kill MacBeth.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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