Lonely Man Suffering With Crippling Depression And Sadness Suddenly Realizes That There Is Hope

Funny story written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 12 October 2019

image for Lonely Man Suffering With Crippling Depression And Sadness Suddenly Realizes That There Is Hope
The Future Holds Nothing But Promise!

Chicago, Illinois. At 9:45 am on Tuesday, October 8th, a poorly-trained production custodian tripped on a vacuum cord, fell 30 feet from a mezzanine, and inadvertently impaled himself through the chest with a crooked air gun he had been using to blow dust off of old ceiling pipes.

At 11:30 am, a heavily-intoxicated forklift driver accidentally ran over 5 'new hires' during an orientation session before crashing into a locked cabinet full of oil and gasoline...

And at 1:30 pm, a cognitively confused OSHA safety inspector was ruthlessly decapitated by a gigantic ceiling fan after elevating a scissor lift way too high...and way too fast...

But extremely horrifying and pointless industrial accidents at Bob's Factory Motor Parts, Inc. have recently been failing to impress human resources administrator, James Craig, 39, who (according to sources) was recently diagnosed with seasonal affective disorder.

The depression hit James at approximately 4:35 pm on Wednesday, October 2, after he woke up from a nap crying in his empty apartment realizing that he could no longer laugh hideously at the things he once found delightful.

Upon the advice of his social therapist, Mr. Craig had his office moved to the third floor of the building where he could catch a better view of employees flying through the air during massive fires and other terrifying catastrophes, but that didn't seem to help, either.

"Something about leaves turning colors and falling slowly from trees during the fall season causes me to have sad memories," James told reporters as a maintenance mechanic accidentally put his hand in an open panel box, causing him to sizzle, twitch, and fry for a really long time until his head finally exploded all over the main aisle of the factory.

"I'm determined to get over these feelings, and I'm pretty sure that I'll feel better when spring comes around," he added before a temporarily-hired construction worker fell through the ceiling only to be sliced in half by a thin cable wire in Sector 3 of the building.

After confessing his ultimate belief that having a dead, cold, hardened heart devoid of love, passion, empathy, or understanding is the best, most painless, and most effective way to get through life, James was then subtly comforted by the fact that corporate positions are available.

And his ultimate understanding that every human being has a dual nature, and that spoken words can never be taken at face value, was validated after he read some new age books that were centrally focused on money and self importance rather than unconditional acceptance.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more