Now that anti-abortion fever has hit much of the United States, with Republican legislatures popping the top off thermometers especially in Southern states, Hallmark has risked its good name and future profits by creating a new politically current Father’s Day card.
Some say it’s inspired. Some say it’s offensive. Some say they don’t get it. At any rate, here’s the idea straight from the corporate offices of Hallmark Research & Development: Increase profits by filling the card racks with cards that potentially stretch definitions of “daddy,” inspired by Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, et al. (See the complete list.)
Such markets include the ever-popular incest-u-dad card, one that can save money by addressing two relatives at the same time—He could be your daddy-brother, your daddy-uncle, your daddy-cousin, your daddy-grandpappy, your daddy-lesbian sister (possibly). As long as “you got male kin,” you can celebrate Father’s Day in an almost infinite number of ways. Talk about profits soaring through the roof! What says “Let’s keep all this messin’ around in the family” like the incest-u-dad card? Now on sale in limited test markets for $9.99. If that price seems high, remember it’s a twofer. Void where prohibited by Democratic legislatures.
In a related story, Steve and Corky, card writers at Hallmark, hoping for an extra-big year-end bonus, and not just a card, have risked their own jobs with this rough draft of a commercial for yet another special “daddy.” They believe the best time to air it will be during the Superbowl or on Halloween.
FADE IN: Mother sits on couch, a blanket pulled up to her chin. A picture of the Alabama Clemson football team rests in front of her—with the face of one of the players blacked out. Her daughter Sissy enters living room, tosses her cat out the window, and jumps on Mommy, who’s quivering under her blanket in the 103 degree summer heat.
Sissy: Look, Mommy, I made Daddy a Daddy’s Day card. Do you like it?
Mother looks away, tries not to barf: Yes, Sissy, it’s very pretty.
Sissy: Do you think I got his scars and tattoos right? I want him to be happy when he gets it.
Mother pulls the blanket over her head: He’ll love it, sweetie. Now go away.
Sissy, confused, asks: Mommy, where is Daddy?
Mother: Angola State Prison.
Sissy: That’s a funny name. What’s he doing in there?
Mother: He’s taking a long break to think about what he did to Mommy--what he did that made me end up with you, Sissy. You’re a little present from him and the State Legislature. Now take the cat and go away.
Sissy, looking back at her card: I think I got his eyes right, too, Mommy. I think I have eyes like Daddy. Don’t you think so, Mommy? Mommy? When’s he coming home, Mommy? When? I miss him.
Mother: (Screams uncontrollably.)
VOICE OVER: You may hate him, you may be terrified he's going to get out and kill you, but he's still your little girl's daddy. Show him you care. Show the Republicans you'll take one for the team. Buy a Hallmark today.
Yes, the writers think, either Halloween or the Superbowl would be good times to air this commercial. They are pleased with themselves, quit early, and go trolling the bars—roofies spilling from their pockets.
Yes, Hallmark would be proud.