Spoof news reports that shotgun blasts and Black Cat firecrackers were the standard-bearers at midnight this morning in the South as rebels, or, rather, revelers brought in the New Year in genuine, southern fashion.
Streets of Durham and other southern cities were reported littered with Budweiser, Miller and Pabst Blue Ribbon beer cans from melees that went deep into the night (not a single champagne bottle was reported found) and carcasses of Rudolf the Red-necked reindeer were seen littering the sides of southern highways this morning, usual fare when "Johnny Comes Marching Home."
"We've not seen this much carnage since the Battle of Gettysburg," said one old-timer whose age was not revealed. "We just wouldn't feel at home without an adversary."
The "Two-dollar Pistols" were reported playing last night with Tift Bearrit (you're successful now, baby) at the American Tobacco Warehouse to a small crowd of several thousand to ring in the New Year and watch a Union soldier drop from the top of the old oil derrick in the courtyard of the refurbished warehouse. Advertisers promoting a start smoking again campaign for the New Year were said to be out full force last night distributing free packs of "Lucky Leaf" cigarettes to all.
For our friends on the other side of the Atlantic, the South took a real hit last year after several landmark law suits were brought upon cigarette manufacturers, RJR (Run John Run) Tobacco and Winston-Salem Cigarettes (watch it, Winston! Big Brother is watching you!), for misinforming the public earlier last century about tobacco products.
Critics say that cigarette manufacturer's were allowed to get away with such misinformation and buggery of the public because people were not living as long as they do now and rising health care costs had not reached the astronomical figures that they have in this century. Treatment for a 5-year bout with cancer these days can run into the millions, health officials were reported saying.
In other news today, health officials at UNC (University of North Carolina) report students are feeling better, many having come out of severe depression and sports culture shock after their football team went 1-9 this season.
Officials report that it is the men's basketball team for the school is making all the difference and say that the team, currently ranked number two in the country, 11-1 overall on the season, has prospects, many analysts say, of winning another National Championship.
