American naturalist and sometime hobbyist, "King David" was reported to have changed the water in his goldfish tank for the first time today in a thousand years. The satirist apparently complained at not being able to see the fish and feared that they were being strangled by one-thousand-year-old algae living in his aquarium.
He was also reported to have found sunken treasure and his watch which has been missing since February. The 10-gallon aquarium that houses his two goldfish, "Wanda" and "Cleese" were a gift from his ex-girlfriend who hated to see the satirist living alone.
"Yea, I take in all kinds of mongrels," David was reported as saying. "Wanda is a pretty little goldfish, silver romped, with bright orange hair and long, transparent fins that sort of wink at you in the light.
Cleese, on the other hand, is much larger and has a great sense of humor. Besides hogging all the food, he likes to play dead every time you change his water and when you get him and Wanda in the little baggie together letting them get accustomed to the new water temperature, he likes to fart and watch Wanda try to escape. I saw him almost choke to death he was laughing so hard one time. He's also the only calico fish I know."
The satirist, to clean his aquarium and concerned that he get all the right paraphernalia at the pet store, went to great lengths to find everything. He bought his and her subscriptions to Playfin and Aquahouse magazines, an inflatable love fish for Cleese, a rubber.... plant for Wanda, a copy of Pink Floyd's, "Wish You Were Here" and a giant skull.
The giant skull was apparently purchased as a communication aid for the couple to signify when one of the fish was in the "dog house." The guilty fish would have to swim over to the skull, go inside and wait for the designated amount of time before he could come back out.
Still, after so much care went into choosing fish paraphernalia, something went dreadful wrong. After leaving the fish in the clean tank for an hour or so, Cleese, whose appetite never really ceases, started growing larger.
Apparently, the satirist used the wrong type of bottom rocks for his fresh water fish and replaced the old ones with a salt-water variety. Cleese swallowed several of the rocks and the salt, adding more minerals to the already rich composite of well-water in Cleese's system, reacted extraordinarily and made him grow.
Cleese grew so much that the satirist fearing he would outgrow the 10-gallon aquarium and swallow Wanda, picked the fish up himself and put him in the bathtub.
The satirist was reported in limbo tonight wondering what to do with the giant fish.
In other news today, George Bush goes fishing (for answers).
