A Different Threat

Funny story written by Chuck Terzella

Friday, 5 December 2003

Four Al Qaida Terrorists wearing flowing robes and keffiyahs were driving a rented Subaru Legacy Outback along a back road in Americas Catskill Mountains. They had a picture of Osama Bin Laden, you remember the one with Burt from the Muppets in the background, taped to the back window.

The terrorists were listening to a classic rock station and arguing about who was more evil... Tom Petty or Stevie Nicks. The driver was pretty sure it was Stevie Nicks, but he had a real weakness for blond infidel chicks, plus he really dug the Tusk album so he was pushing for Petty. One of the terrorists in the back seat was oiling his Kalashnikov rifle and humming American Girl veerrry softly.

A pick up truck full of mouth breathing rednecks pulls up behind the Subaru. The Al Qaida, not wanting to have their Jihad prematurely interrupted, perch John Deere baseball caps atop their keffiyahs and pull out a six pack of Coors and pretend to guzzle beer. All except the driver that is, who actually does drink from his can. He drinks some more. He finishes his can, crushes it against his forehead and suddenly starts singing White Winged Dove at the top of his lungs.

The rednecks, already suspicious of guys in John Deere caps driving a Jap car, hear this and know that something is terribly wrong. They don't know exactly what it is, but it's there and rather than think too hard about it, they just shoot everyone in the Subaru, mostly because they hate rock n roll. In a statement John Ashcroft announces that once again American Family Values have triumphed over evil.

President Bush, hearing of this awards the rednecks with the Medal of Freedom which they promptly sell for $67.50 on E-bay, which was $2,500.00 below their reserve but what the hell, $67.50 buys a lot of beer and ammo. The president also names one of the rednecks to a new Cabinet post, Director of Country Music Security with a mandate to rid Nashville of the Dixie Chicks, no matter how long it takes or how much it costs, because after all, this is America and the Dixie Chicks are evil or at least very bad and we've got to root out badness where ever we find it.

The other rednecks get killed in a drunken rollover accident later that week and donations pour in from all over the world to the Redneck Relief Fund. In Great Britain, Canada, Australia, Italy and Spain people wear little Confederate flags until someone explains it to them. The rednecks wives take all the relief money, which totals $2,600.000.00, get facials and pedicures and move to really nice trailers outside of Nashville, where they are arrested, tried and convicted of secretly listening to the Dixie Chicks by the Office of Country Music Security because the head of that department is really pissed that he only makes $35,000.00 a year and if it wasn't for this stupid Cabinet Post maybe he could've gotten killed too and would have really raked it in like his dead buddies. The wives are currently serving indeterminate sentences somewhere in the Tennessee Penal System, where they are studying music appreciation. God Bless America.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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