Local Resident Weeps and Considers Changing His Life After Reading Warning Label On Light Cigarettes

Written by Wesley Janson

Sunday, 6 January 2019

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Portage County, Wisconsin. Timothy Jacoby, 39, looked at his pack of Marlboro Lights last weekend and became incredibly alarmed when he saw a warning packet attached to it.

Because a Federal Court has ordered the tobacco companies to make a statement about light cigarettes being unhealthy, Timothy was faced with the choice of either switching to full-flavored cigarettes, or watching people sing and dance with the numerous delightful anti-tobacco commercials that repeatedly come on TV.

"When I switched to light cigarettes 3 years ago, I thought I was eating broccoli," he told lead reporter, Sarah Houston. "I didn't realize that light cigarettes were unhealthy," he wept.

"I just wish I could sing and dance like all of those wonderful actors do on the commercials," he continually sobbed as tears rolled down his face and gobs of snot poured out of his nose.

"I CAN CHANGE!" he bellowed fiercely right before all the tears and snot on his face projected outward and splattered all over Ms. Houston's face.

After holding his pillow and weeping for several hours, Timothy then saw several commercials advertising Hardee's Thick Burgers, Condoms, Divorced Women With Fake Tits Over 40 Who Are Looking For Sex, and Gambling.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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