Written by Dave Henry

Tuesday, 6 November 2018

image for Local Moron Proud That He Voted

A local man was proud of the fact that he did the bare minimum in a democratic society and voted today.

"I put my sticker on and I posted on Facebook to tell everyone I voted," said Kurt McCray of the local area. "I also implored them to vote because it's their civic duty, and because I am one of those annoying people on Facebook who posts about everything he does."

McCray said he doesn't really know anything about politics or the candidates, but he still voted anyway.

"I'm basically a moron who doesn't follow the news or pay attention to what's going on around me," he said.

His big issue is the caravan, followed by the wall, because those are the things he heard most about when he walked by TVs in stores and bars that had on the news.

"I'm scared of that caravan. They have rocks and rocks are dangerous. I voted for the guy who is against rocks. We need better rock controls in this country. I'm not anti-rock, but I do believe that rocks don't kill people, people kill people," he said.

"I'm also scared of people coming into the country illegally, like terrorists. When they come across the border, how do we know if they are terrorists? They don't have a license that says they are not a terrorist, so how are we supposed to know? They don;'t have a business card that says they are a terrorist, so how are we supposed to know? We don't want another 9-11 to happen, so we need to build an expensive wall to keep them out," he added.

He said he'd rather spend billions on a useless wall than have good healthcare. He'd also like to see a wall built along the Canadian border, along the Atlantic Ocean on the Eastern border, and along the Pacific Ocean on the Western border.

"I'd like to see a wall around the entire country. How else are we going to protect ourselves from Canadians with their free healthcare, Europeans with their weird languages, and hurricanes? With a wall along the East Coast, hurricanes won't be able to get in," he added.

His family members tried to prevent him from voting, going so far as to lock his door and drug him, so he'd sleep through the day and miss election day. But the local man has ingested so much alcohol and drugs in his life, that he was immune to the effects, and was able to escape from his room and vote.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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