Tuesday, 13 February 2018

image for Colleges clamp down on panty raids
Panties are so called because they used to resemble an all-over tie

For decades they have been a staple of US college life, as American as apple pie. Many men who have gone on to achieve great things have attributed their success to the character building they gained through stealing girls' underwear during their higher education. Yet now, panty raids are considered to be a form of sexual harassment and many colleges have banned them.

"It's shocking," said Ferris Wheel, 20, at UCLA. "I was caught red-handed with a pair of frilly panties that I had just taken from a woman's dorm, and now I'm facing expulsion. The dean has already had enough of my capers, and at this rate I'll never lose my virginity."

At Brown University, Dean Dean Brown was more forgiving. "I remember going on panty raids when I was a student, as many great Americans did. Most presidents have been on panty raids, and in fact if our current leader had gone to college, those panty raids might have taught him some respect for women." He then said that he thought that times were changing and maybe panty raids should be consigned to the bottom drawer of historical pranks.

However, not all students accept that panty raids have to stop. One group, called Panty Raiders of the Lost, Ark., of Arkansas State university, have found a unique way to justify their underwear robbing antics. Their spokesman, Indiana Joan said, "It's simple! We just say we're transsexual and if people try and stop us, we call them transphobic. When that happens, most people don't even bother to argue with us, they just give up! So we can go on doing what we love. The only downside is we do need to wear the underwear after we've stolen it, but to be honest most of us did that anyway."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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