Written by Ralph E. Shaffer

Monday, 1 January 2018

Washington, D. C. In a remarkable reversal of his position, House Speaker Paul Ryan today announced that the way to save the social security system is to shorten the life span of working Americans so that fewer of them retire to collect retirement benefits from what Republicans claim is a nearly bankrupt agency.

Speaking at a convention of embalmers and morticians, Ryan said: "With fewer workers funding the system, it stands to reason that the agency cannot continue to pay the benefits of retirees who tend to live much longer than the actuaries envisioned when the system was created. We could drastically increase the payroll tax that funds social security, but that would be harmful to workers who need every penny to pay for rent or a mortgage, food, school and the everyday necessities of life. The only solution is to reduce the number of those retiring each year. Instead, through health insurance, exercise, avoidance of tobacco and other harmful substances, and safer cars, more workers are living to retirement age. If we just let nature take its course and stop promoting good health, the social security system would no longer be in jeopardy. Government should cease all activity that tends to prolong the lives of working Americans."

Only a week ago, Ryan urged that what this country needed was a higher birth rate, which would increase the number of workers paying into social security, changing the ratio of one worker for every two retirees at present to one to one by 2050. Referring to his nine kids, Ryan quipped: "I'm doing my part." When asked why he had changed his tune, Ryan conceded that all those kids would create a massive drain on the treasury of the states and the federal government for the next 30 years, particularly in education costs.

In response, Bernie Sanders proposed a tax on robotic machines as a means of funding social security. "Each of those machines has displaced a highly paid worker, thereby reducing the payroll taxes to the social security fund. The employer thus saves money since no social security tax is paid by the employer on that robotic machine. Yet the government pays out unemployment insurance to the worker who has been displaced and may have to pony up money for medical costs and other expenses. In the meantime, we just cut the tax burden on that company in the Republicans' new tax law."

Donal Trump tweeted: "Let's just junk social security as a failed left wing Democrat experiment. People can take care of themselves."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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