Trump would send California Secessionist to Gitmo

Written by Ralph E. Shaffer

Tuesday, 7 November 2017

Following the lead of the Spanish president in jailing Catalonia's secessionist instigators, President Donald J. Trump tweeted this morning that he would prosecute Marcus Evans and other "secessionist agitators" if they continue to promote "Calexit," the slogan of California's independence movement.

"This guy is on the verge of committing treason against his own people, his own country. Surely he knows that secession would cost hundreds of thousands of lives, maybe millions. California would become America's Ukraine if secession takes place. It means Civil War. He belongs in Guantanamo, along with the other terrorists."

In a second tweet, Trump warned that the U. S. could not permit the loss of the great ports of San Francisco and Los Angeles, hinting that should the state vote favorably for independence in 2018, he would order the military to seize control of the major cities. "These Californians take an oath every time they say the Pledge of Allegiance, acknowledging that this is one nation... indivisible. We don't allow states to secede. Didn't they teach you that in your history classes?"

In a third tweet, Trump threatened to use an executive order to oust Gov. Jerry Brown and other state elected officials, charging they were secretly aiding the secessionists. The Spanish president had issued a similar order in ousting pro-secessionist officials in the breakaway province. As Trump's tweets were released, the Catalonian rebels were surrendering to authorities in Belgium, where they had fled into exile. Spain has requested extradition of the accused.

Evans' co-founder of Yes California Independence Movement, Louis Marinelli, has already sought refuge in Russia, where he had opened in Moscow the California Republic's first foreign embassy. Trump charged that the Russians who welcomed Marinelli had also provided the funds to further the state's independence effort. It is unlikely that Russian president Vladimir Putin will honor any request Trump makes for Marinelli's extradition.

Polls indicate that as many as one-third of California's residents favor Calexit and the creation of an independent republic. The state's economy is already greater than that of France and, if a country, would rank sixth in the world.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more