Shelf Thee Selfie Monkey

Written by Butch

Tuesday, 12 September 2017


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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The U.S. federal court system has been attempting to declare, Naruto, a crested macaque monkey, to be the rightful owner of his famous "monkey selfie." This has been a two year court case between PETA bread, David the photographer, and a self-publishing platform Blurb, Inc. In the agreement, David must donate 25% of future revenue from the monkey selfie to protecting the habitat of Naruto.

I don't know why this one didn't make headline news on MSNBC or Fox News, but it didn't. I feel bad for the people who had to serve on the jury of this case and they had to seriously contemplate giving monkeys the right to intellectual property! That's right; these jerks on one side actually believe that monkeys are "highly intelligent, thinking, sophisticated beings worthy of having legal ownership of their own intellectual property and holding rights as members of the legal community." And those words are in quotes so it's what they actually think! Imagine being a juror, "Hmmm. He just threw shit at the defendant and is humping the judge, why he's a future CEO!" There is most likely a Law & Order episode about this since there are twenty freakin' seasons. I mean if you are humping the judge in court that's gotta be a job for the Special Victims Unit.

I'm not sorry, but I don't want monkeys, piglets, or three-toed sloths holding rights in my legal community. You give them rights and now and there will be more annoying animal protest groups. The birds' protest slogan will read, "Polly wants a seed-backed IRA account." The elephants' protest slogan will read, "We are tired of working for peanuts!" The cats' protest slogan will read, "We are just tired."

So people please; let's all get a grip and stop acting like idiots. Keep the rights to humans. Well, most humans.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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