Department of Corrections now requires inmates to change names

Funny story written by Purple Girl

Monday, 24 July 2017

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Prisons are requiring inmates to choose names that reflect their crimes.

To make it easier to track criminals, the US Department of Corrections is now requiring that inmates adopt names that fit their crimes. While most inmates just change their surname, they are allowed to change their first name instead or adopt a pun name that reflects their crimes.

However, this idea is not without consequences. According to Nathan Jones, a prison warden at Brentville Prison, "This is making it even harder to keep track of inmates. We now have 4 John Thief's, 2 David Fraud's, 3 Michael Killer's, 2 Paul Chomo's, 3 Jamal Dealer's, and on the women's side, we have 3 Laura Slutt's."

Still, not all of the names are duplicated. Paul Smith, an employee of Wallburg Prison, says, "Of the more unique and creative names in our various units, we have a Moe Lester, a Tara Rist, a Ray Pist, a Robin Steele, a Robin Banks, a Kidd Smuggler, a Patty Phile, and a Mary Jane Seller."

Some members of the public like this idea. Jane Peters says, "It is nice when you can know someone's criminal history from their name. Just yesterday, a Gina Fraud and her partner Tina Scammer were trying to get me to join a ponzi scam, and their names were among the reasons I didn't sign up."

For some former inmates, this name change requirement has made their lives harder. According to Donald Diddler, "My house has been both egged and firebombed multiple times, and several attempts have been made on my life, apparently because of my name. They act like I'm a monster, when I truly love kids."

According to Steve Smith with the Justice Department, "We apologize for anyone who this program has hurt. This program is not intended to help vigilantes seek revenge and we hope those who attempt that do get locked up. We only intended to make the public safer."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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