Bed allegedly commits assault

Funny story written by Purple Girl

Monday, 12 June 2017

image for Bed allegedly commits assault
Can a bed actually assault someone?

[PP] -- While a man slept Monday night, his bed allegedly assaulted him. After calling 911 about the incident, the man was admitted into Area Hospital for treatment. Doctors say he needed medical treatment for lacerations to his legs and rectum. He also received a tetanus shot.

The police arrived on the scene, but no arrests were made. According to Sergeant Joe Branson of the Area Police Department, "This turned out to be just a case of product malfunction. Someone should have discarded the bed a long time ago."

Barbara Seeley of American Beds says, "This is why we tell our customers that when they discover objects poking out of a bed, they should not try to fix it themselves with clipper pliers. They may worsen the problem by causing springs to start sticking out. Then the springs may enter body cavities, poke out eyes, or cause lacerations."

This incident illustrates why you should discard any defective mattress without attempting to fix it yourself.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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