Bed allegedly commits assault

Written by Purple Girl

Monday, 12 June 2017

image for Bed allegedly commits assault
Can a bed actually assault someone?

[PP] -- As a man lie sleeping in his bed Monday night, his bed allegedly assaulted him. After calling 911 about the incident, the man was admitted into Area Hospital for treatment. According to doctors, he suffered lacerations to his legs and rectum which needed medical treatment. He was also given a tetanus shot.

While the police were called, no arrests were made. According to Sergeant Joe Branson of the Area Police Department, "This turned out to just be a case of product malfunction. That bed should have been discarded a long time ago."

Barbara Seeley of American Beds says, "That's why we tell customers that when there are objects poking out of a bed, you don't try to fix it yourself with clipper pliers. That only makes the problem worse because then you have springs poking out, and they can enter body cavities, poke out eyes, cause lacerations, etc."

So the moral of this story is to throw out any defective mattress without attempting to fix it yourself.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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