Sleep Number Beds Introduces Sex Number Line Of Mattresses For College Dorms

Written by Moe Nightwalker

Sunday, 8 September 2013


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As college students return to campuses, many are springing for new mattresses. The biggest seller this year for the dorm room is the new Sex Number line from Sleep Number Beds.

The Sex Number Beds have settings for the most common activities, including masturbation, just curious, makeout only, fat chick on bottom, and drunk sex. To assist in first time same-sex encounters and multiple partners, Sleep Number provides some recommended settings.

"The extended twin size is our most popular for college dorms," says Frank Weiner, VP of New Product Development at Sleep Number. "Students like that it has extra room but not enough space for your partner to roll away. Plus we've added a handy smartphone holder for aspiring filmmakers."

The special mattress cover fabric only needs an easy, once-a-semester cleaning. There is also a switch to adjust the springs for "too damn drunk for sex" which automatically triggers when a body collapses onto the bed with clothes and shoes still on.

For a little extra, students can get special features like side panels to prevent falling out of bed during wild sex. For women, there is a version that forces men to stay and cuddle. A special version for guys always defaults to a "69" setting.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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