The Spoof To Buy Out The Onion In Hostile Takeover

Written by Dr. Billingsgate

Tuesday, 28 March 2017

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Dr. Billingsgate

WALL STREET URINAL: In a stunning development, The Spoof said today that it will acquire The Onion to create the world's largest fake news media company under one roof.

The Onion proclaims itself as the world's leading news publication and enjoys a daily readership of 4.3 trillion. The Spoof, on the other hand, claims nearly 760 devoted readers. While The Onion supports more than 350,000 full and part-time journalism jobs in its numerous bureaus around the world, The Spoof gets by with an editorial staff of one, but has 200 or so contributing writers located in basements throughout the world.

Mark Spoof, the chairman and chief executive officer of the eponymous named company based in London, will become the chairman of the board of the new company. Mike McAvoy, the current head of The Onion, will likely oversee the management of the merging companies, as Mr. Spoof wishes to remain a figurehead, leaving the grunt work to McAvoy.

Under the terms of the definitive merger, shareholders of Spoof will receive 10 shares of Onion stock for one share of Spoof. The transaction is subject to certain closing conditions, including regulatory approval and the approval of Spoof and Onion shareholders. It is expected to close by July 1, 2017.

Dr. Viscount Billingsgate has agreed to vote his Spoof shares representing approximately 51 percent of the company's outstanding common shares to facilitate the merger. Billingsgate will become vice chairman of the new company.

The reclusive doctor, who calls the Galapagos Islands home, made his billions collecting bat guano in the caves of this remote island region. It is expected that the new company's headquarters will be moved to one of these caves after the merger is consummated.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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