Dixit? Newly Appointed UN Ambassador Nikki Haley Announces South Carolina Secession from European Union

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Thursday, 19 January 2017

image for Dixit? Newly Appointed UN Ambassador Nikki Haley Announces South Carolina Secession from European Union
UN ambassador Haley emphasized that South Carolina has never considered itself part of any Union - European or otherwise.

Following Donald Trump's appointment of South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley as the United States ambassador to the United Nations, Governor Haley sent shock waves through international economies when she announced that South Carolina citizens, by a margin of over eighty-six percent, had voted to secede from the European Union.

Explained Governor Haley, "By this referendum, the citizens of South Carolina have made clear their refusal to continue to submit to the whims of a European order. South Carolina is not a colony. This great State will now be empowered to make the decisions that best for its own citizens, rather than being constrained by a league of foreign nations."

One particular area of conflict between South Carolina and the EU, noted Governor Haley, is the EU's opposition to capital punishment. The death penalty is still in effect in South Carolina.

"Frankly," stated Governor Haley, "we in Dixie consider the death penalty part of our Second Amendment right to bear arms. Of course, in this case, the 'arm' in question happens to be a hypodermic needle or an electric chair. But the principle's the same."

For that reason, Haley contended, the EU's prohibition on capital punishment is legally unconstitutional. "As UN ambassador, I will make sure that the fundamental rights of Southern American citizens are not trampled on by the EU - or anyone."

Haley also took issue with the EU's pro-choice stance on abortion.

"The EU evidently values the lives of child molesters and murderers more than they do the lives of innocent unborn children," she remarked dryly. "In my new role as UN ambassador, I will oppose the death penalty - for fetuses."

Many economists and political commentators have asked the obvious question...why did South Carolina choose secede from the EU now?

"Donald Trump's defeat of Hillary Clinton showed that Americans have had enough of establishment politics," responded Haley. "And when we in South Carolina heard about the brave folks in England who finally stood up and said they'd had enough of the EU, it got us scratching our heads. And we realized, you know what? So have we!"

Of course, many have pointed out a key difference between Brexit and South Carolina's EU secession, which some have dubbed "Dixit" (or, less flatteringly, "Hixit"): unlike England, South Carolina is not, and never has been, a member of the European Union.

"Absolutely," agree Governor Haley. "We may have agreed to stop flying the rebel flag in South Carolina, but it still flies in our hearts. We've never considered ourselves part of the Union - European or otherwise. This recent referendum merely formalizes that position."

And in that regard, Haley added that one of her key initiatives as United Nations ambassador will be to ensure that the Confederate Flag does fly again - among the other 193 nation flags displayed at the UN headquarters in New York City.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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