Written by thomas o'hanlon

Saturday, 14 January 2017

image for Teenager Failing Math Blamed for China's Superior Economy
China's growth since Mahoney tanked

Brian Mahoney, 8th grader at Phillipson elementary school in Phillipson Pa. has been failing or nearly failing Math for 6 consecutive quarters leading to China's overwhelming economic superiority.

"I just really suck at math" Brian stated in an interview with the Phillipson Horn.

Janet Nugent, principal of the school claims that Brian "is really not trying, nor does he seem to care about the obvious ramifications of his under achievement" she said while holding a graph that clearly shows opposite trending lines representing the upwardly mobile Chinese economy and the plunging grades of Brian Mahoney.

Brian has become an outcast among his peers. Ex-friend Louie DeVito says "Brian used to be a cool guy back in like 4th or 5th grade then he started sucking in math. Well me and the guys kind of kept away from him since then listening to our parents' advice 'stay away from that weak link!'. I'll tell you what though, come the day I look up in the sky and see a big red ICBM heading our way I will surely text Brian and say 'hope you're happy now jerk-face'"

Recent rumors that the CIA has evidence showing that China may have hacked into the data base of Phillipson elementary did nothing to brighten Brian's mood. "No. seriously, I suck at math and it's all my fault."

Meanwhile in Peking the Peking times is running today's headline in extra-large symbols stating "MAHONEY STILL FAILING MATH, COMPLETE WORLD DOMINATION IS AT HAND"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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