Trump Tower, New York -- In a move filled with more irony than even Anthony Weiner can contemplate, presidential elect Donald Trump plans to sell America's Electoral College to the Russians as soon as he takes office next month.
"The Electoral College got me where I am today -- in the drivers seat, with a broad on each arm and a vote in each household," Trump said. "But I digress. The American public is fed up with the unfairness of this ancient process. It was cooked up by a bunch of real estate speculators in the 1700s.
"It takes away the rewards of democracy at the very instant our nation is applying its right to choose. The chumps don't like that, so now the Trumps don't like it either."
Russian president Putin, meanwhile, is looking to advance the college's capabilities to include actual educational opportunities.'"We plan to put in an atomic reactor for hands on physics courses," he said.
The college will also be home to the first fake journalism academy, according to Trump. "We want to make sure that these new reporters get the wrong facts right and the right facts wrong. At the proper place, and the proper time."
"It used to be called satire," Trump said. "Now it's fake news, Not many of us do it well, but they will learn, folks. They will learn."
The military industrial complex will also get a piece. "There will be a shooting range and a flight school" Putin said. "And of course the college will retain its number one purpose, fixing elections. That's what I call the art of political science."