American Psychological Association Announces Armageddon: Election Stress Disorder

Written by JennyNorthStar

Sunday, 16 October 2016


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WASHINGTON - I don't think any American has been able to escape the train wreck that has become our presidential election cycle. It's hard to look away. Even harder to avoid. It has dominated virtually every fiber of American society - from the obsessed news media to rednecks in Arkansas. No race, ethnicity, religion or sex topic has escaped the national debate.

The American Psychological Association (APA) just this week announced it is finalizing a "Stress in America™" report, which will be released in its entirety during 2017. Early press releases tell us 52% of American adults admit the 2016 election is a very or somewhat significant source of stress. Quick to react and not to miss the opportunity, American psychologists have already proclaimed this new phenomenon as Election Stress Disorder (ESD). They have labeled it a national epidemic of biblical proportions. Like any other psychological disorder, the medical community will be quick to react - providing an abundance of remedies and advice.

To tell you the truth, just reading the survey made me feel more stressed! In my opinion, if there were only 52% of Americans stressed by the election, I guess the other 48% were living in outer space or were too stressed to answer the polling questions.

Lynn Bufka, the APA's associate executive director for practice research and policy, said: "We're seeing that it doesn't matter whether you're registered as a Democrat or Republican - U.S. adults say they are experiencing significant stress from the current election," "Election stress becomes exacerbated by arguments, stories, images and video on social media that can heighten concern and frustration, particularly with thousands of comments that can range from factual to hostile or even inflammatory."

Oh really...Ms. Smarty Pants? I hadn't noticed. I was wondering why I had been unfriended on line by over 10,000 people in just the last few weeks - even though I only had a handful of friends to begin with. Comments to me on Twitter have been so offensive even Charles Manson in his jail cell is blushing. I suppose it's normal to replace your television daily because you threw a lamp at it when hearing some disgusting, media-biased, political story that made your toes curl. Even my male friends say I'm so cranky and irritable now - they all think I have terminal, chronic PMS (Premenstrual Syndrome). Most disturbing of all, a few of my close male friends confessed because of ESD (Election Stress Disorder) they now have ED (Erectile Dysfunction).

Talk about a national Armageddon, over 50% of married couples with women suffering from terminal PMS - combined with men that have ED. If there is any America left that survives this election, it's only a few generations away from disappearing. I can't wait to read in nine months the pontification and analysis of why there are no babies being born. Of course, no matter who wins this election, Election Stress Disorder will morph into a nation with many more millions suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Let's see how ObamaCare takes care of this.

The Stress in America™ survey was conducted online within the United States by Harris Poll on behalf of APA. 3,511 adults ages 18+ who reside in the U.S. participated. Weighting variables included age, gender, race/ethnicity, education, region and household income.

Here's a quick look at the study.

Social Media
Of the 3,500 people polled, 38% said that social media election discussions were causing them stress. This, in turn, made them want to tear somebody's head off.

Sexual Equality
Men and women were just as likely to report being stressed by the election. However, over 90% of women reported that because of the election news they now know for certain all men are horny dogs, panic at the thought of being kissed on the lips, and fear they will be grabbed by the pussy.

Generation Anomalies
There were some differences in how the generations were affected.

45% of generation Xers said they were stressed by the election. After losing Bernie Sanders in the primaries, Xers fear no matter who wins the election they may actually have to pay for their own education.

56% of Millennials said they were stressed too. They say it's time to put those 68- and 70-year-old presidential candidates in old folk's rest homes where they belong and get some young meat from their generation in the Oval Office.

59% of Older individuals were most likely to report being stressed. Attendance at Friday night bingo games and shuffleboard tournaments are down. Complaints about chest pains up. Even some older women not supporting Hillary Clinton - proclaiming they will never wear a pants suit again!

Of course, all hope is not lost. The over $1 trillion pharmaceutical industry already has new wonder drugs under development for the treatment of Election Stress Disorder. They weren't so lucky with the last national scare the Zika virus. Pfizer, the makers of Viagra, said they are combining testosterone samples from both Bill Clinton and Donald Trump, then synthesizing it with the chemical cocktail that has been keeping Hillary Clinton vertical. A company spokesperson said: "Don't be surprised that instead of a decrease in 2017 births, there will be a baby boom!"

It has also been reported that the "Stress in America™" report was leaked to the White House in advance. President Obama concerned about U.S. mental welfare and knowing it would take time for the pharmaceutical industry to respond to the Election Stress epidemic, created an alternative plan. As of this date, Obama has commuted over 774 prison sentences, including mostly convicted drug dealers. More pardons than the previous 11 presidents combined. A White House insider said: "It's simple supply and demand." "Since most people will be feeling election season stress, illegal drug sales will skyrocket." "Having more drug dealers on the street again will only make it easier for stressed out people to get the medication they need."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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