Huge Data Breach at Disney Studios: Major Star Wars Spoilers Leaked

Funny story written by Lady Sybilla

Monday, 21 December 2015

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Oops, sorry Disney!

Wikileaks has just released major Star Wars spoilers that were allegedly leaked this morning by an insider over at Disney Studios. Apparently, the latest installment in the Star Wars saga has upset old school George Lucas fans in the Fourth Dimension, and now Disney is being blasted for it.

JJ Abrams has just replaced President Snow as the single most ruthless tyrant in Panem.

"This was definitely an inside job," claims Julian Assange, founder of Wikileaks, although he's not naming any names.

Even though the mastermind behind the Edward Snowden saga has been forced to stage his own cyber death, he wants the world to know he is still very much in charge of pulling the strings behind the New World Order's veil of deception.

"The way old school Star Wars fans see it," declares Assange, "Disney Studios honchos have committed heresy by leaving Rebel Alliance General Leia with nothing left to lose."

According to an exclusive interview granted under the utmost secrecy, there's been a major imbalance in the force after Han Solo was killed by his own son, Ben, the Sith of the First Order. And, to add insult to injury, Ben is killed, too, without being given a chance for redemption.

As far as old school Lucas fans in the Fourth Dimension are concerned, this is heresy, and JJ Abrams has just declared war on a multidimensional priesthood of Star Wars fans who have already ascended from this world.

It is for this very reason that an unidentified geek over at Disney Studios took it upon himself to release some major Star Wars spoilers to Wikileaks this morning.

So, if the data received is, in fact, correct, General Leia's character will turn to the Dark Side in the next installment of Star Wars. Furthermore, as General of the Rebel Alliance, General Leia will establish a new order of mighty powerful siths such as the Star Wars Universe has never seen.

Assange is so excited about this new development in the saga, that he is ready to come out of retirement so he can witness this historical event firsthand.

"The new order of siths under General Leia will be so powerful that they will be able to switch between the light and the dark sides of the Force at will," says Assange. "They will no longer be bound by extremism, which in turn will allow them to defeat any enemy, no matter how powerful."

If what Assange is saying is true, what does this mean for the poor citizens of Planet Earth who are constantly bound to pick sides? How will they be able to defeat this new order of Siths?

I guess we'll have to wait for the next militant geek over at Disney to grant us yet another major leakage. Long lives Edward Snowden!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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