SACRAMENTO, CA - The Poultry Litigation & Underwriting Council (PLUC) released the results of a 17-year study Monday, linking erectile dysfunction to the consumption of red meat.
The study was funded by a $136.7 billion grant from the new United States Department of Agriculture and Sexual Dysfunction. The new department was formed after analyzing the mission (and budget) of the United Sates Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosive Diarrhea Department.
Terry Akki, spokesperson for PLUC, stated that the study was carefully controlled: Each participant in the study was fed 1/4 of a chicken and then asked to perform sexually. After concluding the first performance, they were each fed 1/4 of a cow and, again, asked to perform sexually. Remarkably, not one of the study's participants was able to perform after eating the red meat.
