ANYTOWN, USA-Scientists today discovered a separate universe in schools across the country. The five-year study confirmed what scientists and many local PTA and teachers have suspected all along that school administrative staff and their offices existed in a separate universe from the rest of the school.
"The cool, white starched shirts, ties and pleated slacks drew our suspicion," one teacher said. "Then, the obsession with testing and numbers was a dead giveaway."
The teacher was referring to the fact that in recent years, school administrators have been under increasing pressure from their school systems to perform and achieve certain standards on End of Grade testing.
"They're tightening the noose on them everyday," one teacher said.
At school sporting events, administrators can often be spotted easily in the crowd. They're the ones that look like CIA agents or Insurance salesmen. A student at an area Manhattan high school actually mistook her principal for being the mascot. Her school was home to the fighting bankers.
Often, it is an administrator's task to observe teachers in school. But they do not like it because it takes them out into the masses and many report feeling like a prison warden having to make a perfunctory tour of the facilities every now and then.
"These are our observations from Godzog," one administrator reports to a superior in another universe far away. "We have observed teacher XYZ and he checks out at 'above average' on most of our categories. We have no suspicion to reprimand."
Teachers complain of the constant interruptions, or "announcements" as they are called in "doublespeak" by administrators over the loud speaker system. One teacher actually shot his loud speaker.
"You cannot go outside and play today because big brother has deemed it more important for you to become a fat ass and pass your EOG's (End of Grade Tests) than it is for you to exercise. We want to prepare you for the future and that desk job when you sit around on your fat ass and manage America's fat assed debt. And don't forget to pick up your boxes of donuts in the gym, so that you can take them home and sell them to your fat assed neighbors."
School administrators can often be seen sitting cooly behind their desks like businessmen planning their next fundraiser. "Will it be donuts, or candy and soda in vending machines?" How about field tests for private companies contracting with the state?"
In the morning, it's almost as if their offices were space craft that hovered into place, then, around 5:00, or 5:30 lifted up and flew home.
And still the people cheered, "No new taxes! No new taxes!"
