O.J. Still Looking For ‘Real Killer'

Funny story written by Steve Shaw

Sunday, 28 December 2003

LOS ANGELES-O.J. Simpson today was seen combing downtown Los Angeles, searching the cosmopolitan stores, dining at the plush restaurants and visiting the rich and famous; all of part of what he says is his ‘Tireless search for the real killer.'

Indeed, ever since the results of his world famous murder trial of his ex-wife Nicole Brown, all of O.J's energy has been specifically directed toward finding the murderer and bringing him to justice.

"I walked around for an hour or two last week and passed out some fliers for a ‘Find The Real Killer BBQ I'm having soon." said Simpson. "Sometimes I even forward an e-mail to everyone I know asking them to please clue me in on this person's identity. You wouldn't believe how much time and effort it takes to find two free hours inside my week to devote to finding this guy. It's really taking a toll on me."

Residents say they admire Simpson's tireless efforts, applauding him for not giving up and losing hope. "One day I was outside pruning my rose bushes," said neighbor Margaret Hampton, "and O.J., bless his soul, well, he was sunbathing by his pool. I asked him what he was up to, and he said he was just looking for the killer. All the while he couldn't stop smiling to himself. Nothing gets him down, and let me say that man is and should be an inspiration to us all. Imagine losing your ex-spouse and still being able to carry on a normal life while searching for the villain. You'd think it would be hard, but he doesn't seem to let it get to him," she said as she wiped a tear from her eye. "I'll think I'll bring him some cookies later, that poor man."

Simpson recently spoke to the Los Angeles Times about the hunt. When asked about the possibility that the killer might strike again, Simpson responded: "Well, from what I know about this guy, I don't think he's going to commit any more murders soon. I mean, look how close he came to getting caught the last time he tried it!" he said with a nervous laugh. "All I have to say is this: Killer, whoever you are and wherever you are, just know that I'm hot on your tail and that I will find you! Also, anyone else who is looking for the killer, I urge you to stop, because you are certainly not going to find him anywhere around here…obviously. Besides, this is my battle, and the job of revealing his identity should belong to me."

Simpson also commented on the possibility that the murderer could have strong ties with Al-Qaeda and Osama Bin-Laden. "I think there's a very real possibility," said Simpson. "So I suggest any investigators still trying to solve the tragic case of my ex-wife's murder look in someplace far, far away from here. Like Afghanistan or some other country. Anywhere away from here would be fine."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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