Thousands of venomous spiders drive Bill de Blasio and family from Park Slope home

Written by queen mudder

Sunday, 12 October 2014

image for Thousands of venomous spiders drive Bill de Blasio and family from Park Slope home
Bill's wife Chirlane became quite adept at zapping the bastards with a blowtorch

Brooklyn - New York's mayoral family the de Blasios have been driven from their Park Slope home by an infestation of venomous spiders that fell from the roof space and burst out of the bathroom walls.

They've hunkered down at the official NYC mayoral residency of Gracie Mansion 'entirely as a last resort' after hundreds of new hatchlings terrified them senseless.

Next week the Brooklyn property will be fumigated by exterminators who estimate a colony at least one million strong has taken over the three bedroom home.

Bill and Chirlane de Blasio bought the $300,000 teardown overlooking the river in September 2008 and within weeks started seeing the horrible hairy bastards popping up everywhere.

Pest control companies fought and failed to contain the problem which a previous owner had not disclosed when the property went to contract, despite listing his profession as 'tarantula breeder'.

Next week's gassing op will likely last three days and will target a suspected nest in the property's eaves.

Once it's complete operators wearing breathing gear and Ebola-approved decontamination suits will remove the corpses one by one before hosing down the hatcheries of the spiders' fried eggs.

Commenting on the operation Chirlane de Blasio's podiatrist said she'd been driven crazy by the horrid critters despite becoming skilled in extermination techniques using a unique anti-spider blowtorch.

The average life expectancy of the tunnelweb weaver spider is 69 days.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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