Nine Year Old Bags Her First Human with an Uzi

Funny story written by Matt Birkenhauer

Friday, 29 August 2014

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LAS VEGAS-Her parents proudly filming her with their cell phone, nine year old Violet Burton bagged her first human on Tuesday with an Uzi submachine gun.

The Burtons had gone to Las Vegas to vacation, and their itinerary included hunting humans in the desert outside of Las Vegas. Said Brian Burton, the proud father of Violet, "Our little girl has been hunting with an AR-15 since age three. She's been hunting small game like squirrels and rabbits since five. At seven, she shot her first deer. We thought this year she was ready for the ultimate prey--man."

Said Violet, after bagging her first human, "The recoil surprised me. I had no idea the recoil for an Uzi set for automatic would be so strong. The recoil was so bad, I missed my target the first time, taking out a few prairies dogs before I bagged my first human, an eight pointer! I'm so excited!"

Violet's parents, Greg and Amy Burton, are so proud of their daughter that they are going have the head of her first human stuffed to hang over their fireplace in their home in South Bend, Indiana. In fact Wayne LaPierre, Executive Vice President of the National Rifle Association, is tickled pink. He issued a statement for the NRA: "We believe that safe and responsible training in the hunting of human beings can't begin too early. Humans are a wily prey to hunt, and the earlier you begin, the better."

The hunting guide for the Burton family, Sam Scaramonkee, was also said to be happy for Violet, but he could not be reached for comment, having been hospitalized from the scatter that took out the prairie dogs from Violet's first round.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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