AUSTIN, Texas -- Gov. Rick Perry has announced that the Texas National Guard will be deployed to ferret out suspected ICEE terrorists who have moved across the border into the Lone Star State in an attempt to sabotage the diets of American children with extra sugary drinks that could lead to obesity, diabetes and careers as liberal politicians.
"They may try to hide in Wal-Mart or Target or even Burger King, but we will find them and we will dehydrate them," said Perry, who blamed Michelle Obama's strict healthy school lunch guidelines for the rise in the illegal importing of the flavorful frozen ICEE drinks.
"A cookie here and there isn't so bad, but Mrs. Obama would prefer these kids get their sugar fix in the streets, back alleys and convenience stores of our country, where they have fallen prey to a diabolic criminal element that has penetrated our border and our soft drink aisle," said Perry.
Perry said ICEE terrorists are usually disguised as friendly deliverymen wearing name tags such as "Bubba," "Darryl" or "Apu," but they have far more nefarious intentions.
"Fatten kids up on those drinks and they'll become a burden to society and end up on the public assistance rolls or become liberal politicians," said Perry. "We don't need any more fatties in Congress."
Perry, a Republican who is considering a 2016 presidential bid even as he is under indictment for allegedly abusing his veto power, said there's "very clear evidence" that ICEE fanatics aren't the only ones who have invaded our children's diets.
"We suspect Slurpee militants and Slushie extremists are at work also," said Perry. "We are seeing historic high levels of individuals with terrorist ties to sugary frozen drink suppliers.
"Because of our nation's weak border security and lust for cold, refreshing liquid carbs, our government has left our gates open to anyone who wants to poison our children with his tempting frozen rivers of imitation cherry and orange flavors."