Tween Phenom the Next Tiger Woods of Competitive Eating?

Funny story written by Matt Birkenhauer

Monday, 7 July 2014

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SPARTA, KY--Kyle Gustibus may not be a household name at this point, but if the young athlete keeps working out with his Munchables and WarmPockets, he may be the next Tiger Woods of competitive eating.

The residents of Sparta, Kentucky have been amazed at the eleven year old's athletic prowess, as he can gobble down up to thirty-four Munchables, plastic wrappers and all, in under seven minutes. Also, the young athlete can destroy up to forty-four frozen WarmPockets in under eight minutes, and his stats go up to sixty-one in seven minutes when the WarmPockets are cooked.

Says Kyle's coach, Rick Stubbs, "The kid's got talent. He could easily be the next 'Joey Jaws' Chestnut at the rate he's going."

Summers, Kyle gets up at 11:00 every morning to begin his conditioning, which consists of eating twenty-two WarmPockets for breakfast, followed by lunch, at 2:00, when he works out with hotdogs until 3:00. Kyle also gets in, every day, up to four hundred elbow bends, to help him avoid the bane of competitive eaters, Eater's Elbow. Kyle, who is ambidextrous, exercises with both arms, though admittedly his right arm gets more exercise, especially late at night, according to Coach Stubbs.

"Gussy," as his family and friends call him, showed an amazing ability to eat from infancy on. As a toddler, his mother Debbie recalls, Kyle could eat up to five bags of cheese doodles at one sitting. Says Debbie: "No doubt, he was a fat baby. He still is, at age eleven!" Debbie's little boy at this point weighs in at a competitive 352 pounds.

"Joey Jaws" Chestnut, however, is not worried. "The kid thinks he's a real hotdog now," says Chestnut, who is currently ranked first by the International Federation of Gluttonous Ingestion, "but when he competes with the top dogs, we'll eat him up."

Athletic scouts from various colleges and universities are already eyeing the young teen phenom, who is not easy to miss at his local school lunchroom.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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