Written by E. Williams

Tuesday, 10 June 2014

Mexico - U.S. Marine Andrew Tahmooressi is still being held in a Mexican jail after making a wrong turn and ending up south of the border with three firearms in his vehicle. The following is some advice the marine might use to explain the mishap and, hopefully, result in him being granted his freedom very soon.

First, Tahmooressi should explain to Mexican authorities the reason for his wrong turn was Global Warming. Global Warming is responsible for nearly every bad thing that happens in our world and it's high time the Mexican government began to understand this.

Secondly, he should condescendingly tell his captors that he was so agitated at watching a recent YouTube video that he was distracted and didn't even see the signs telling him he was about to enter their country.

Next, he should point out the whole situation happened way in the past and should be forgotten. The old, "Dude, that was like a month ago" excuse can work wonders.

Tahmooressi can also explain that he wasn't aware that he had made a wrong turn in their country until he read about it in the newspaper. Surely Mexican officials will show pity for someone being the last to know about their own mistakes.

It has not yet been determined exactly how at this time but, somehow, Tahmooressi's wrong turn into Mexico is George W. Bush's fault. This one should be fairly obvious to the Mexican government.

Finally, the young marine should point out that the Tea Party, Koch Bros., frackers, John Boehner, and Fox News all conspired to make his vehicle take a wrong turn.

Honestly, we hope to see Sgt. Tahmooressi freed immediately and it's a travesty that he has been held longer than one day. Maybe if our current administration would get off their asses long enough to make a phone call on his behalf, instead of sitting around trying to come up with the next asinine excuse for their next self-inflicted scandal, they could actually do something worthwhile for a change.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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