Written by Cool Papa Bell

Tuesday, 3 June 2014

THE HORROR, THE HORROR, OHIO VALLEY -- Some area residents NOT BEING HELD CAPTIVE by The Taliban said the United States made a bad decision in arranging a prisoner exchange to free a U.S. soldier who WAS BEING HELD CAPTIVE by The Taliban.

"He should have just fought his way out of there, like Chuck Norris," said stay-at-home great uncle/babysitter Pervis P. Basham (and the P stands for "Patriot'') of Belmont, who doesn't know to change a diaper but has changed to less expensive, generic brand cigarettes. "I would have been in favor of it if we would have traded Obama and all his damn liberal cronies like Oprah for the prisoner."

President Obama ordered the release of five detainees from Guantanamo Bay in exchange for U.S Army Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl, who spent nearly five years in captivity after his capture by the Taliban insurgents. Troops and government officials completed the rescue Saturday.

Still, explosions buff Bill Kilgore of Neffs believes the U.S. had other options.

"We should have just dropped a nuke and watched it mushroom up in the sky, and not worry about the collateral damage," said Kilgore, as Ride of the Valkyries played in the background. "I love the smell of a nuclear explosion in the morning!"

Dale Sonofsam of Limestone, who was taking a break after using his neighbor's cat for firearms target practice, said he would have executed all Gitmo prisoners and shouted obscenities about their families while they were dying, just to show those damn terrorist countries that we mean business. He would have then told Bergdahl to "man up."

"If you can't take a little torture, you've shouldn't be in the service anyway," said Sonofsam, a notorious one-eyed bad-ass and troublemaker whose neighbors live in fear of him and is so menacing that the U.S. Postal Service airdrops his mail.

Like others, Reed Romney of Bergholz believes our country should never give in to the enemy, no matter how many soldiers must be sacrificed.

"Next they'll want our wives and our daughters in exchange," said Romney (no relation, well, maybe a distant one), a Zumba instructor and a devout polygamist. "I may be willing to give away a few wives, but absolutely none of my daughters."

A Martins Ferry tattoo artist known as Anthony, the guy with a cobra on his back, said striking a deal with terrorists is like the time he set up a payment plan for that chick who wanted a tattoo of a unicorn humping a dolphin on her butt, but she didn't pay up so he went to court and shit and then she started badmouthing his work around town.

"That will come back to bite you on the ass, in both cases," said a shirtless Anthony, whose cobra was slightly obscured by his re-emerging back hair.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Taliban, Prisoners

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