Supreme Court Justice Advocates Stomping on Dead Puppies

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Wednesday, 28 May 2014

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WASHINGTON -- In a 5-4 ruling the U.S. Supreme Court established new guidelines for States who execute criminals for capitol crimes.

"In view of the reality that there are significant problems with the five methods currently used to execute people (lethal injection, electrocution, firing squad, hanging and the gas chamber), all of which violate the constitutional ban on cruel and unusual punishment, the court is in a quandary," wrote Justice Antoine Scalia for the majority.

"But if cruel and unusual punishment can only be rendered to human beings there is a solution," he continued. "We recommend to states that they, before execution of human beings have brain surgeons remove their cerebrum, cerebrum, cerebellum, and the limbic system, particularly the brain stem, of those to be murdered by the state," wrote the Supreme Court Justice.

"If we do that, the entity to be executed could in no way be termed a "human with inalienable rights, such as the right to life," stated Scalia. "Obviously, you can't perform cruel and unusual punishment on it."

Justice Clarence Thomas, in writing a concurring opinion, stated, "After the removal of the brain, state executions will be like stomping on remains of the runt of a litter."

Justice Thomas' court clerk said he wore a broad smile as he wrote his opinion.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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