Is There Sex In The Afterlife? Part 3

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Monday, 14 April 2014


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As everyone on earth now knows - this is my third column on this - beings from the planet Sophia 69 have taken over all of earth's Internet, social media, TV, and radio transmissions in recent days.

Details of how this has affected media content and the use of subliminal messaging can be found in my two other pieces. As reported here, is a "hook" to get all humans involved in Sophia 69 controlled media is the "question of the week" which appears in all media. The first question asked was "Is there sex in the afterlife." In my last column I presented part of the answer to this question where I quoted the communiqué from Sophia 69 as saying "It all depends."

It turns out that the rapturous nature of afterlife sex is beyond human imagination but that certain people are excluded from having any sex - details in my last piece - and that there are punishments for two categories of people who are barred from sex.

Singled out for the first category are today's Christian Puritans. They are linked to efforts to prevent information in schools about HIV-AIDS prevention, information about contraception, and to repression of any information about human sexuality outside of marriage between a man and a woman. They are noted for persecution of gays and lesbians.

Their, perhaps unconscious, repressive attitudes toward sexuality come from a heritage that teaches that sexual desire is sinful, the body is corrupt, and pleasure is evil. (Studies show that societies opposed to pleasure are apt to be violent.)

The communiqué from Sophia 69 humorously quotes the great iconoclast H.L. Menken: "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy." Their punishment in the afterlife is that must live isolated existences; no contact with any other beings will be allowed.

Then, of course, they will be free to worry about whether other people are having fun. The communiqué says that their repressed libidos will then generate a huge variety of sexual images but their genitals will be in "lock boxes."

The second category relates to some men of the Islamic faith who on earth have believed that every male admitted into Paradise will be given eternal erections and wed to 72 wives, all with libidinous urges. If such men, on earth, actually have beaten their wives; denied women education; been involved in female genital mutilation and/or child marriages; or participated in/advocated honor killings, they, like the Puritans, will never have sex in the afterlife.

Instead, they will be frequently be beaten with whips and stoned until they have imaginary and welts and bruises. They are abused by apparitions who materialize to these men as women. The female presences are obese, hairy, malformed and naked. They have no breasts or vaginas.

The second Sophia 69 "Question of the Week" to be answered in 7 days is "What is the human activity that will make all and any human emotions, actions, desires thought-systems, values, religions, idols, and totems obsolete?"

Stay tuned.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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