NRA Wants Machine Guns, Grenades in Schools

Funny story written by Keith Shirey

Saturday, 14 December 2013

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A student at a Colorado school shot and wounded two students, one seriously police say. , The shooting occurred at Arapahoe High in Centennial, The NRA has responded to the tragedy by reiterating its demand that every school child in the U.S. carry a firearm.

The shooting today occurred on the eve of the anniversary of the Newton School massacre. The school is about 8 miles east of Columbine High School in Littleton, where two teenage shooters, armed with assault weapons, killed 12 classmates and a teacher before killing themselves in 1999.

In a press release issued today, The National Rifle Association issued a statement advocating that every child in an American classroom be armed with a weapon starting with kindergarten. The groups statement went beyond today's shooting and made recommendations opposing any form of gun control in the U.S.

To achieve safety on all of America's school grounds, the NRA, several days ago launched its "Every Child With A Gun" program. The plan includes the provision that all teachers and administrators, when on campus, be armed with machine guns and grenades.

Every Child With A Gun is an extension of NRA's "Eddie Eagle" program, which teaches gun safety rules and provides target practice shooting at paper outlines of human beings. Hundreds of thousands of children have completed the program throughout the nation.

Today's NRA statement said that background checks, stopping gun sales at shows or online sales, the purchase of military style assault weapons, or any other gun control measures, that seek to control the slaughter of school children and others and lower the highest homicide rate in the civilized world will not work.

"Violence against violence, 'Every Child With A Gun', all Americans, armed to the teeth, in our churches, bars and saloons, senior centers, at Girl Scout meetings. stadiums, shopping centers and in all private and public places, that is the NRA's solution," stated today's news release.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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