Obama Denies Plan to "Take Out" Conservatives

Funny story written by G. Brookings

Thursday, 19 September 2013

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Following the President's address to the Business Roundtable in which he blamed a mere handful of fanatical right wing Republicans for obstructing his sensible and practical proposals on a whole range of issues and thus preventing the solution of all of America's critical problems, Stephanie Cutter, a former Obama campaign official, tweeted her agreement. "Why not take 'em out?" she went on to say, in jest, according to administration apologist Jay Carney.

"Of course she didn't mean to be taken literally, "Carney smirked. "This was simply an expression of the frustration that every American feels at the way the Republicans - by thwarting this president out of sheer spite and probably a little racism too - are preventing us from fundamentally transforming this country and achieving the American dream. As the President said today to business leaders, every problem before us has a solution that even Republicans, for the most part, agree is achievable. It is more than regrettable that a fringe element can prevent us reaching Obamatopia."

Later in the day, en route to his helicopter, the President was asked to comment on the fracas. "Look," Obama said over the roar of the waiting helicopter. "On immigration, healthcare, my plan to strike Syria, the budget, what have you, some people aren't interested in solutions. There are people who would rather see this country on its knees than give me a victory. Benghazi, the IRS snafu, the so-called spying by the NSA - these are all stories made up to distract you from the real issues. And don't talk to me about the so-called debt crisis. Just as there is no actual place called Benghazi, every informed American knows there is no debt crisis. We'll just keep printing more money. Have some," the President concluded, reaching into his pockets as he hopped into the chopper, tossing out a wad of new currency that blew away onto the lawn and then out into Pennsylvania Avenue. "Bernanke just printed it and sent it over today. Make no mistake, as long as there's ink and paper, we'll have no budget crisis!" the President shouted, tossing still more money out of the chopper to drive home his point that there is no shortage of money and therefore no debt crisis.

A lone reporter, braving the storm of dust and currency kicked up by the chopper, shouted out a last question. "So Mr. President, what do you say to these Republican obstructionists?"

"I've spoke to Boehner about it and told him that I've drawn a new line in the sand on obstructionism."

"Another red line?"

"No, this is completely different. It's a line in the sand, and they know they'd better not cross it."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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