In Wake of Naval Yard Shooting, Public Demands Asinine Gun Control Reform

Written by Kris Aguilar

Wednesday, 18 September 2013

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In the wake of the Naval Yard shooting and subsequent revelations about the gunman, this writer once again did not interview any of the following imaginary people.

Because the failure to understand laws and regulations as well as the ignorance displayed during gun control debates never fails to surprise me, and also because I am a glutton for punishment and mental anguish, I asked imaginary people what their thoughts were on the recent Naval Yard shootings.

Non-person One: Well didn't he have PTSD? How could he buy a gun anyway?

Non-person Two: I heard he called the cops and told them he was hearing voices. They should have done something. Taken the paddy wagon straight over there, with thorazine darts and probably beanbag rounds, just for kicks. They should have locked him up in a hospital somewhere, then this wouldn't have happened.

Non-person Three: Who got shot this time?

All three seemed incapable of grasping the fact that states have pretty specific criteria when they commit someone against their will, mostly involving being a danger to themselves or others. In many states, this criteria includes the language "imminent danger". Although Non-person Two did state that based on every serial killer movie he'd ever seen, hearing voices is always a definitive indication of imminent murder sprees.

Non-person One suggested that we restrict the sale of guns to people that were being treated for a mental disorder, most specifically, veterans with PTSD. Claiming that little to no understanding of the disorder made it okay.

After I informed Non-person One that countless veterans suffer from PTSD their entire lives without ever seeking treatment, he suggested we ban the sale of guns to all veterans.

He further claimed that restricting the civil rights of the men and women that signed up to defend them would be perfectly acceptable to a fearful and panicked nation.

Non-person Three inexplicably suggested that I look into Ireland's gun laws and murder rates. He also mentioned something about Monsanto before lighting another joint and wandering away.

Non-person Two suggested that all arrests, whether convicted or not, should disqualify a person from owning a gun. Barring that, he suggested we just confiscate all the guns in the nation, because no one could die if there weren't any guns. He offered no suggestions on how that would even be possible to do.

When I asked the remaining subjects whether they had any less idiotic suggestions regarding gun control, they called me a racist and threw bottles at me.

As I left the scene, they were busy writing up some legislation about simply euthanizing any person being treated for any sort of mental illness before they could snap and kill everyone.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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