President Zero Dark Fifty/Fifty Turning Hand Guns Into Potato Mashers

Funny story written by K.C. Bell

Tuesday, 23 April 2013

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Besides having drones, the White House and Air Force One, President Zero Dark Fifty/Fifty has spy satellites and the technology to presently zap all guns owned by private U.S. citizens, disable those guns, turning the barrels into a corkscrew and reduce said guns to the equivalent of a hammer or a kitchen utensil suitable for mashing potatoes.

Yum, yum.

Gun owners will be warned not to attempt testing the zapped weapon with the corkscrew barrel, as they may just shoot off their ear or possibly shoot someone standing on their right (if they are right-handed) or standing on their left, (if they are left-handed). In return for their disabled weapon, (with the corkscrew barrel) President Zero will replace each weapon with a new government issue free of charge.


The new government issued handgun will be pink in color with bright yellow polka dots, thus making it a less compelling killing weapon of choice.

Not so whoopee.

Letter to the editor: What? This is treason! Always knew Zero Dark Fifty/Fifty was a sissy, surfboarding Hawaiian from Kenya who could sink basket balls. Zero is taking away our right to bear arms and destroying our Second Amendment. Writer's name withheld.

Editor's reply: Actually, the Second Amendment was clearly addressing the use of a musket. You have a choice of replacing your twisted barrel handgun with a musket or the pink handgun with the bright yellow polka dots, (thus making it a less compelling killing weapon of choice).

Owners of the new handguns will also have the right to buy magazines holding any number of bullets from one up to one thousand, however, following a suggestion from actor, comedian and satirist Chris Rock: Each bullet will cost $5,000.

The $5,000 bullet could make a welcomed gift for newly-weds that list it as a gift preference. A wedding bullet might be an excellent start for newly wedded life. And if the couple has sufficiently generous friends invited to their wedding, the happy bride and groom could possibly start marriage with two bullets.

Or just save and use the old gun for mashing potatoes.

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The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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