Airport Scans: Use Them to YOUR Advantage

Funny story written by plinth course

Thursday, 17 August 2006


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Not everyone dreads a body scan

Hollywood - All over the US people are talking about the proposed airport scans. Surveys formal and informal show a distinct adverse response, despite the authorities' touting its benefits to flying safety. "We can see that hair gelignite and toothpaste incendiary taped to your belly," says an airport functionary.

The blogs are red hot. Typical was female blogger Heather#1 on MyMind who was panicky at the thought of being body-scanned: "dude, i need to loose 30# next 10 daze b4 i visit my sstr in DC!!! know any diets n i gotta buff up!!! sht im gonna drive!!!

But not everyone is unnerved at the thought of minimum-wage airport security personnel watching you stand there in your BD suit. Not everybody shrinks (literally?) at the thought of high school graduates (at best) ogling and secretly pointing and laughing at your body flaws: the shape and size of your genitals (OMG!), your love handles, abdominal overhang, fat folds, your countable ribs. Not everybody worries that their training-bra breasts will be recounted in airport security break rooms across the nation. Nope, not all.

I interviewed a woman who is most anxious to be scanned by government-sponsored peepers. Sheesha Comer (stage name) thinks this is a perfect opportunity: "Sure, I can see how codgers and fat asses wouldn't want to be seen naked, but it's just the thing for me."

Comer could barely contain her excitement. "See these (pointing to her chest), see these? I just got ‘em. How's that for coincidence? I was gonna wait for a while, but my agent -- from MakeItHappen, can I give a plug? - convinced me to do it now. He says he's got just the right video just waiting for me."

"It's artsy fartsy, I saw the treatment," says Comer, "and I play the part of a lonely, sexy, neglected housewife who needs her plumbing fixed. Cute, huh?"

Comer believes that if she takes enough flights from LAX to "wherever" in some critical- mass number, a "legit" Hollywood agent will "get a peak" at her "assets" and sign her up for a big studio contract.

Says Comer, "It only makes sense, if you think about it. Look at all those bombshells discovered in drugstores and cafes. You think Marilyn would sit there naked to show off her accessories if she could of? You bet your ass she would! I got one up on her. I get to show off the bod without getting pinched --unless they ask! -- by the cops!"

It's a safe wager that every aspiring actor in Hollywood (Narcissistic Personality Disorder in Hollywood?) will follow suit (followers in Hollywood?).

"See you scanned" may well replace "See you later" as a term of leave-taking.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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