Teenage Boy Opens Fire on Wayne LaPierre and Sean Hannity

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Monday, 21 January 2013


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Wayne LaPierre and Sean Hannity in the crosshairs.

National Rifle Association CEO and gun-rights martyr Wayne LaPierre likely was not expecting to be shot at as he celebrated the day after Gun Appreciation Day by shooting off his mouth with Sean Hannity on the Fox Comedy Network.

LaPierre said he considered Gun Appreciation Day a "big victory" for unsuspecting Americans in places like North Carolina, Indiana and Ohio, who came to pro-gun rallies to celebrate their 2nd Amendment freedom, not to shoot themselves.

"Now, what we need are even more guns," LaPierre said, marking his first public debacle in weeks. "Why stop at putting armed officers in schools? Sure, 'a chicken in every pot' may have sounded good a century ago, but these days, millions of Americans are clearly hungry for guns, not to mention jobs, so why shouldn't we put an armed guard in every home, too?"

"If it's crazy to call for armed officers in our homes to protect our security, then call me crazy," LaPierre told Hannity. "I think the American people would be crazy not to do it. It's the only thing that would keep people safe."

"There's a media machine in this country that wants to blame guns every time something happens," Hannity explained. "The liberal media would have you believe the 2nd Amendment says that 'regulating militias well is necessary to the security of a free state,' but that just isn't be true, as we both know."

"If we could have an armed guard," LaPierre continued, "a good guy in every American home to protect our citizens just in case some horrible monster tries to do something? Makes sense to me."

LaPierre said that he was speaking for "many members of the NRA" who stand behind his approach.

The NRA disenfranchises its rank-and-file members by severely restricting their right to vote, so LaPierre must have meant he was speaking on behalf of the NRA's staff and board, who not only vote, but also help determine what portion of profits from national gun sales go into LaPierre's pocket, a figure some say equals roughly $970,000 a year.

LaPierre went on to suggest that the NRA would fight any commonsense gun control measures that might limit lagging gun sales, likely meaning no new regulations to limit the availability of deadly weapons to mentally unstable and legally insane Americans like Adam Lanza, Lee Harvey Oswald, James Holmes, and John Hinckley, Jr.

Crazy people with guns have already assassinated or attempted to assassinate nearly half of our Presidents in a country that prides itself on a "peaceful transition of power," so they have grown bored, and now routinely open fire on schools, movie theaters, firefighters, you name it.

Unfortunately, before Hannity had a chance to grill LaPierre on these important issues, a teenage boy burst into the studio, opening fire on the pair with a potato gun.

Witnesses said LaPierre ducked behind Hannity, using the Fox comedy staple as a human shield and scanning the studio desperately for an armed guard to offer them assistance.

Hannity promptly shat in his trousers.

The youth escaped, but authorities said he left behind a receipt for a 10-pound sack of Yukon Golds as he fled the scene. The potato gun was not registered.

Recent debate about the 2nd Amendment has sparked a new round of fire as gun enthusiasts prepare for President Obama's radical crackdown, which will likely include measures similar to those already familiar to people who drive cars: To own one, you need a Certificate of Title; to drive one, you need a Driver's License; and military-type assault vehicles like tanks have no place on our streets.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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