Washington DC - The Supreme Court of the United States of America today ruled by construction that since corporations are people, and money is free speech: dollars are votes.
The Chief Justice who wrote the ruling spoke briefly to the largest assemblage of reporters ever allowed to assemble outside the SCOTUS building, sipping from an aspartame laced sugary tasting beverage of some forty ounces.
"Many election dollars just went up in smoke yesterday; this cannot stand. When corporations spend money on a candidate, that is speech. Voting is speech. People speak. Corporations are people. Money talks. Dollars must have the right to vote. We found the best way to accomplish all that is to simply auction off the various political offices to the highest bidder, on eBay. This will also save tons of money on political advertisements. The savings on hot air should end global warming this month.
"Also, the IRS will no longer be needed. The government will have enough money to spend just from the sales of political offices. We calculated that there will even be a surplus, enough to buy each American a new car every year, thus saving the auto industry once and for all."
