A Nation Weeps As Hannity Threatens To Quit Fox News

Funny story written by Simon Saunders

Thursday, 25 October 2012

image for A Nation Weeps As Hannity Threatens To Quit Fox News
"What? He says he'll quit? Are you serious? Better make sure I win then."

Fox News' very own conservative spewer of spin, Sean Hannity, has sensationally threatened to abandon the much loved "news" channel if Mitt Romney loses the presidential election.

On his daily Romney campaign show, a seething Hannity told his worshippers, "We here at Fox News, particularly me, have worked tirelessly to convince the nation to vote for Governor Romney. Another four years of the Stalin-esque community organiser and we will be finished as a nation. We need to make sure he's sent back to Chicago with his commie tail between his redistributing legs. That is why I have taken the decision to quit if the anointed one somehow wins."

Hannity briefly paused to lick his Romney poster before continuing, "This president has ruined the USA. He is to blame for everything from the astronomical price of gas, a deliberate ploy to cripple the middle-class, to the Vietnam war. Being the most powerful name in news means that we should be able to fix the election in the same way the Obama-mania mainstream left-wing media did in 2008. Every time a democrat has been elected president it has been because of these left-wing hacks. It goes right back to the seventh president of the USA Andrew Jackson. Even though television hadn't been invented, MSNBC were still on his side in the run up to the election."

Hannity took a short break to ordane a priest into his own newly launched branch of Catholicism, the Church Of Hannity, before ranting on again, "Back in 2008, Senator John McCain, a celebrated American Civil War hero, lost because of the mainstream media. I know this because I have polled myself extensively and the results back my claims 100%."

As the camera drew in for a close up of Hannity in an attempt to make him seem more plausible, he made a heartfelt plea to his viewers, "I urge all six of you with every fibre in my body to vote for Governor Mitt Romney. If you don't you will see the USA become a communist state like our greatest geo-political enemy, the Soviet Union."

Meanwhile, a video tape of Governor Romney critisizing his number one fan at a fundraising dinner has surfaced. In the video Romney is heard telling his paying guests, "Once I've won the election I won't be going anywhere near that numbskull Hannity. Rest assured, I am just using him to help my profile with hard line conservatives."

We arranged a meeting with Hannity to tell him about the video. He told us he thinks the tape is a fake and claims it was made by a liberal who's out to get him. He then went on to defend Romney like a girlfriend defending her seemingly perfect boyfriend after someone told her he was screwing someone else.

However, there did seem to be some doubt in Hannity's mind, "If it is true." said Hannity while clutching his teddy bear called Mitt. "I shall tell my mom and she'll sort him out."

So, if Romney loses the election and disappears into the political wilderness the American people will also lose Hannity.

Ask yourself, is that worth a vote for President Obama and is it what you want for the USA.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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