It's Election Time in the US

Funny story written by mikewadestr

Monday, 24 September 2012


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So who is Ham on Rye?

Sometime during the first Tuesday in November, Americans will be taking to the streets and demanding an Apple I-Phone 6, which is way better than voting for the next US President. The sad reality for the American people is that either way, someone will win the election, which means the American people will lose.

What do we know about the two leading presidential candidates, Barack Obama and Mitt Romney? We know that they sincerely care for every single American and truly value your vote and if elected, will stimulate the economy by creating a whole lot of jobs in China just for you. These jobs in China will allow the Chinese economy to get even stronger than it is today so that they will lend money to the US so you can buy products made in China.

Both candidates will fail to tell the unemployed Americans that if they want jobs they will have to go to China. Instead, they will blame each other as well as the show Keeping Up with the Kardashians, which they claim sets unrealistic expectations for the rest of America.

Yes, both Obama and Romney have been and will continue to lie to us.

But, hey most of Americans have known that ever since President Richard Nixon stated: "I am not a cook", after getting caught cooking up the Watergate Scandal, that US presidents are lousy cooks. Unfortunately presidents won't tell you they are lousy cooks until what they tried to cook ends up in total ruins. To get out of his predicament Nixon did what everyone else after him has done and simply blamed George W. Bush.

Things have gotten progressively worse since Nixon left office, although Regan's 8 years did give the US a whole lot of really neat toys and a lot of humor. That is, for everyone except the Russians who didn't find Regan funny at all, but no one really cared what the Russians thought back then anyway.

After 9/11 things have really gotten out of hand. First, with George W. Bush having spies going through Barbara Bush's underwear drawer looking for Osama Bin Laden, to Barak Obama telling the entire world the names of the Navy Seals who killed Osama Bin Laden. American's now happily walk through airport security where TSA personnel of the same sex aggressively and gleefully feel them up. What is worse is that for the most part Americans don't complain. Well, if they do complain former Secretary of State, Henry Kissinger will pop out of a box naked underneath the x-ray machine and threatens to accompany them throughout their trip.

I don't want to think about the next four years. If Romney wins, I see TSA having all airline passengers getting tied to the top of airplanes for security reasons and if Obama wins he will enforce Obama Care by making everyone strip down naked and wear one of those embarrassingly small hospital smocks all the time.

One thing to consider is that 60 percent of Americans surveyed stated that they feel safer with Obama as president in the case of an alien invasion from outer space.

Ok, let's think about this. We have a bunch of scrawny, hairless, pale, big headed midgets from the planet ZingKaBing that is 500 light years away, which in a sense sounds like a Tea Pary Convenction. These ZingKaBingers can leave their planet during half time of the Giants, Dallas football game, transcend the universe and arrive at Giants Stadium in New York City before the two minute warning. We, on the other hand, can only muster a couple of pieces of moving metal on the planet Mars.

Who the hell do you think I'm going to be rolling out the red carpet for?

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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