Written by John Langlois

Thursday, 29 June 2006


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Ohio Officials Bust Amish Farmer for Selling "Milk Raw"
Amish Farmer Makes His Point

Dayton, OH- It seems more than one person is confused about the sale of raw milk in Ohio. Although the beverage has been the single most nutrient dense food consumed by people for thousands of years, the Ohio Department of Agriculture believes they know better what consumers need.

Recently they sought to stop a local Amish farmer from serving the families that had contracted with him for raw milk sales. The local farmer protested that not only was his milk safer than pasteurized milk, but he also has a religious obligation to deliver wholesome food when people ask for it.

Hearing of his plight, his neighbor, Hans Brotzbigger, sought to join in the protest against government bullying of both farmers and consumers. Unfortunately, Hans misunderstood the English expression "raw milk" as "milk raw", which he interpreted to be "milk sold by nude farmers." As the photo indicates, this presents a whole new set of worries for the Department of Agriculture.

Since the Department of Agriculture has no jurisdiction over farmers who choose to go out in the buff, they were perplexed as to what to do about Hans. A spokesman said, "Well, we suspect the farmer has E.Coli growing in his colon, but we can't pasteurize him. It would par boil his skin." We also noticed that he is walking around on concrete, which is one of our Grade "A" Dairy requirements for the cows, but we haven't figured out how that applies here."
To the dismay of city officials, local residents joined in the protest by disrobing and sharing gallons of fresh, raw milk.

"I don't even drink milk," one gentleman noted, "but it really pisses me off that these government bumblers can't find something better to do. If they really wanted to protect the public, they would shut down Monsanto's genetically modified corn program. Now there's something dangerous."

Another protestor pointed out "the government will let us buy cigarettes, a known cancer agent, hide crap like Aspartame and MSG in our food and lie to us about poisons like fluoride in the water. The least they could do is give us a chance to offset some of that with a glass of real milk."

The DOA officials noted that they are just doing their jobs, based on the 1959 office procedure manual and that most of them had some high school biology and watch Discovery channel, so they believe they know what they are talking about.

Off the record one official noted, "I hate that the guy got confused. Now everybody is going to get naked when they have a complaint about the government. Can you imagine what will happen at tax time?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: Food, Milk

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more