Fifth Avenue celebrity astrologer ups Olympics ante

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Tuesday, 24 July 2012


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Olympics opening ceremony vision

New York - A stargazer-to-the-stars is warning of a deceptive line-up in the heavens this week as thousands of Americans flock to London to support the US Olympic team.

Holly Grail, whose hunches include the 2005 discovery of the long-lost Leonardo da Vinci masterpiece Salvator Mundi by a consortium of reclusive Manhattan art collectors, says she's 'pretty horrified' by the position of the star Vega currently transiting the constellation of Lyra, the Liar.

"There's something our athletes aren't being told," the skywatch guru said in her blog today, "I can sense it all over their natal charts among traditional rock-solid alignments."

Vega, the second brightest star in the northern hemisphere after Arcturus [currently in the Olympics-related sports shoe sign of Bootes], lies at the vertex of a broad-ranging celestial asterism called the Summer Triangle.

It's currently dominating the asterism as it rises high in the southern London horizon at midnight British Summer Time ahead of Friday's Olympics opening ceremony.

"Yeah, it's impacting adversely on US athletes' aspirations to win 50 gold medals," the astrologer continued, "mostly because it's only three moon-breadths away from the highly deceptive 'double-double' star Epsilon Lyrae - whose transit geometry-wise makes the Summer Triangle look an awful lot like, er, the Summer Wreckedangle, if you'll forgive the awful pun...

"Guys, this is s-e-r-i-o-u-s! Not for nothing did the ancient Assyrian people name this brilliant star the 'Judge of Heaven' - something that our trusty national car maker General Motors found catchy with their 1970 launch of the Chevrolet Vega!"

The vehicle won numerous US transportation awards including the 1971 National Star Car of the Year award, the 1973 Economy Car of the Year from Celestial Motor Trends magazine and Zodiac Truckers Car N Drive's Best Economy Sedan for 1971, 1972 and 1973.

Then in 1977, despite a successful program of upgrades and recalls, Chevrolet withdrew the range after US car manufacturing sources pointed out some disastrous feedback from 1976 Montreal Olympics organizers who had appointed the Vega as their official Olympic Carrier.

A medal count for that year shows host-nation Canada in 27th position in the Olympic league table with zero golds, five silvers and six bronzes.

Meanwhile all the hype about British Olympic hopeful Princess Anus' Equestrian endeavors were dashed on the rocks after her mount Vegan Dancer went down with a dose of Athlete's Foot and a suspicious, non-related groin strain injury.

The daughter of Queen Elizabeth was widely reported at the time to be the 'only female competitor not to have submitted to a sex test'.

Friday's Olympic opening ceremony begins at dusk.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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