Horizon Dairy "Stumped" by Cow Protest

Funny story written by John Langlois

Thursday, 8 June 2006

image for Horizon Dairy "Stumped" by Cow Protest
Protesting Cows Want Fresh Grass

Denver, CO - Horizon Dairy, a subsidiary of Dean Foods, announced today that they were stumped by the behavior of many of their dairy cows. The cows, which are usually kept in "Organic Feed-Lots" broke out of their confinement and romped in nearby grass fields. They were sporting over-sized T-shirts that read "Tell Horizon We Want Fresh Grass, Not Organic Bull."

Horizon, which controls 70% of the organic milk market has come under criticism recently because they have exploited a loophole in the organic standards that require that dairy cows have access to fresh pasture. A spokesman for the dairy said,

"Hey, we show them pictures of lush green valleys and then give them organic corn. It's just as good."

Evidently, the cows disagree. And they seem to be organized, as evidenced by their refusal to return to the feedlot and their strategic placement of "cow pies" in the front seats of the corporate convertibles parked at the Horizon office.

The cows, although declining to speak, did send a press release noting

"We figured out when the Holsteins started those "Eat more Chikin" adds that people really will pay attention if we just say what we want. Well, here's what we want:

1). Fresh Green Grass.
2). Grown outside with no pesticides.
3). Plenty of sunshine and a pinch of salt.

Oh, and could you put a couple of those bulls on a diet? Really, what's a girl supposed to do?"

Their press release also pleaded with consumers to be more empathetic. It stated,

"We know we have it better than the poor girls that are being shot up with rBGH (Bovine growth hormone) and we don't want to sound ungrateful. We also feel that our consumers are paying top dollar for our milk and have a right to know we could be delivering an even better product, if we could just get off the damn corn diet. Imagine if you had to eat corn every day. Talk about "bowel blow-outs". That corn shoots through us faster than a Republican Senator's campaign funds."

"Tell Horizon to cut the crap and play by the rules." "Don't make us have to get ugly.

The Jumping Jerseys.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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